The pace is finally starting to slow down. I can stop making "to do" lists and actually take a moment to look at the ones which have been completed. It has been a busy and somewhat stressful month, but it has also been one full of lots of great experiences. I was able to take part in many things, despite the fact that most of them overlapped a bit. The downside is that this time of busyness has left me with blog overload. So many things I want to say and address and now I am just trying to figure out how to break them down without rambling on and jumping from topic to topic. So here we go...
Last Sunday I took a look at the calendar to see how many more weeks I had left of the hCG injections and VLCD for Round Two of the protocol. I think I must have gone back three times to recount the days on my calendar. It just did not seem possible. The last shot was the next day! How did this happen? It felt like a week, maybe two, had gone by, but 39 days? It was amazing how the time just flew by this round.
There are so many factors as to why:
You know the protocol.
You know what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, where to buy it and how to cook it.
Meals are no longer "work". You have found enough recipes that you like and know how to space them out and don't feel as bored with the what you have to work with.
Trips to the grocery stores are fast. You know what you need and you are no longer inspecting each label since you have found the products that meet the protocols guidelines and have decided which ones you like (although I do always look for new products, and stores, that I like because I love seeing what else is out there). You also feel as if you have blinders on as you go through the store since you know which aisles to avoid and you go into a "I'm on a mission" mode, just going in to get what you need and getting out.
Exercise is a no brainer. Yes, you still have to find the time to fit it in and the energy to get started, but you have learned how you just don't feel "right" when you go without and you have really started to enjoy it.
But I think the biggest reason the time goes by so fast though is because you feel good and you know that what you are doing yields results. You have energy and want to keep busy and you are now doing things that you would not have done before. You are not dwelling or moping. Food is no longer an idol. Your mind and time are now free to other things. God has been amazing in this area for me. My thought life has grown so much. That time we have to process everything from our emotions, our interactions with others, our dreams and goals, or praying and focusing on areas in which you need to grow and on really finding the joy in the blessings in your life, is so important and all too often neglected. There is a peace and comfort found during those times and it gives you a chance to recollect yourself. When the anxiety, fear, hopelessness and anger that consume you due to poor health and weight, finally loose their grip on your thoughts and emotions, you are freed from so much and start to think and feel in new ways.
And now here you are, finally seeing improvements, some very drastic, and you are focused, motivated and quite honestly, overwhelmed. It is a very emotional process. You are dealing with letting go of past feelings, thoughts and behavior. You breaking bad habits and making drastic changes. There is a flood of emotions and you may be caught off guard with some of the things that come to surface. This is something I have been wanting to address. I typed it up once and then just deleted it because I was embarrassed and did not even want to acknowledge it. I finally opened up and spoke to my mother and finally to Dr.G about what I was struggling with. I feel it is important for me to be honest about what my experience has been, especially as quite a few individuals who are very dear to me have decided to start their own journey.
Like I said, this experience has been very emotional. Just to think of how I felt the first week, to the first weigh-in, to the end of my first round and on the second, to where I am now, is exhausting.
As I was shedding pounds, many things buried deep inside came to the surface. I have struggled with bulimia since my early teens. It came easy to me. There are many people who say "I could never do that! I can't stand to throw up and wouldn't dare do it on purpose!". Well, I am not one of those people. It takes little work for me and is more satisfying than it is painful. There were maybe periods of a couple months that I would do it on a regular basis, but for the most part it has always come in waves. Something would trigger it and it would go on for a few days till I grew tired of hiding it (the noise, the wrappers, the smells, the sight) and I would decide to let it go for awhile. It was never really about weight loss. I say that because I never yielded results from it but I continued to do it. It was an overwhelming feeling to cleanse myself. To get whatever I had binged on out of me.It never usually started out as a plan, as in, "now I am going to binge and purge", it kind of just snowballed into it until I was at a point of no return.
It is late and everyone is in bed. I have a bowel of ice cream. I feel bad for eating it. I want to throw it up. Well if I am going to go to the trouble of doing that I might as well make it worth it. Maybe I will go for a second bowel of scream. Or maybe some of those cookies that I left alone earlier or that chocolate I know is stashed away somewhere. Why not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or bowel of cereal, a glass of chocolate milk...? I grab a few things at a time and mindlessly watch TV as I consume as much food as I can. I make sure I am quiet and I am paranoid about someone coming downstairs. Dishes and utensils are immediately washed and put away. Wrappers are plunged to the depths of the garbage can. And now I want nothing more than to get all of it out. Maybe it is the shower because the noise and the quick cleanup up. There is always the toilet, but then you need to find a way to cover up the noise and to make sure everything is cleaned up. Or maybe you have gone so far that you have a stash of plastic bags in your bedroom. You turn on some music or your TV and when you're done you stash it away until the next morning when you can dispose of it somewhere when no one is around. You do as much as possible because there is always that feeling that you haven't gotten it all out. You finally give in when your throat is raw and you taste blood, your noise is running, there are tears streaming down your face and your eyes are bloodshot. You still feel like you didn't do enough. You never will.
I know. It's gross. It is sad and pathetic. It is too much detail. But you know what? It is a reality for thousands of girls and women, even boys and men, and it is still a subject that is considered a taboo in a culture that doesn't have many subjects that are. It is a reality for me. It is trying to fill a void that can't be filled or that doesn't even exist and then a strange mix of punishing yourself yet granting yourself to undo what you have done. You feel disgusting and want to cleanse yourself. You will never feel full enough or empty enough.
So did I clean out the cupboards and indulge in all of my favorite foods that are not allowed on the protocol? No. No, this was something very different. This was reaching goals. This was gaining health. This was utter fear that I would loose it. This was my mind and my heart deceiving me and not focusing on the amazing work God had, and was continuing to do, in my life. This was so different. It was "I think I had one more strawberry than I was supposed to have". This was "I feel like maybe I ate too much cottage cheese". I scared myself. I thought this was in my past. It only happened a few times, but it was a few times too many. So I needed to really question and search myself. I prayed about it. I wrote about it. And finally I talked about it. And since digging deep and continuing to examine this rather than bury it, I felt a burden on my heart to address it and to acknowledge that we all have something we hope never comes to the surface. It may not be bulimia. It may not be any kind of food related issue. It might something brand new that enters in to the picture.
I feel a lot of it has to with the changes that occur as your view and focus changes as you begin down the path. I was left with so much extra time to think. The hopelessness, sickness, self pity, bitterness, and depression were no longer consuming all my thoughts and emotions. It has been a huge blessing. To be able to be others focused and to devote your time, thoughts and emotions into what is important, has been something that has been life changing. But there are two sides to every coin and as you experience your highs, just be prepared for those lows to sneak up on you. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. Write. Talk. Question your motives and desires. Continue to challenge yourself. Be thankful for the health and acknowledge the hard work you have put in and realize that it didn't happen overnight. I never thought I would get to this point. I had given up. And then change finally comes, and I see improvements in my health in such a short matter of time, and I was left to wonder if and when it would be taken away from me. I am not sure what else to say on this issue. It is very difficult to put it all into words and I do not think I can adequately express the emotions and thoughts that may arise, but I hope I was able to convey some of the emotions that or struggles one may face as they go through these changes.
But you know, that is just one tiny bit of all that has been going on. Yes, it is a very big deal, but in no way has it left me hopeless and downtrodden. There is so much to be thankful for and I continue to be amazed at the continued improvement in my health and decline in my weight. I saw Dr.G this past Friday for my weigh-in and just to go over a "now what" plan.
My total weight loss goal is 120lbs. Since April 11th, I have lost 70lbs. I have passed my halfway point. My allergies are virtually gone. Still no ear infections (this is the longest period of time I can recall without getting one). My energy is up and I am more focused. I feel good. I feel hopeful. Most of all, I feel very, very blessed. I continue to have amazing support and encouragement from family and friends. I have been so blessed by many relationships I have developed during this time, with people who have also struggled with their health. I continue to be so amazed by Dr.G's care, support, enthusiasm, knowledge and dedication he shows and how he not only is focused on helping me reach my goals, but to exceed and maintain them.
For the 3 days following the last hCG injection I continued the VLCD (very low calorie diet). Then I added the all protein breakfast. For three weeks, I will continue following the same regimen I did during the VLCD phase with the addition of breakfast. This is called the maintenance phase. Which really, as far as I am concerned, is a life long phase. It depends on the person though. After three weeks of maintenance, you are then able to slowly introduce some starches and sugars back into your diet. There are a lot of foods I have just said goodbye too. I know my body better than ever now. I know if I want to continue to loose I should continue to avoid starches and sugars as much as possible. I want to continue down this path. I want to increase the exercise. I want to reach my goal by the end of this year. That is my plan for now. There are no plans for a Round 3 of hCG anytime in the near future. I will continue to see Dr.G though for wellness and for other health issues he has been addressing. I still have quite a way to go but I am feeling very hopeful about things to come.
In just 2 weeks I will no longer fit the headline "27 year old female seeks stable relationship with health". It is now "28 year old female seeks to grow and nurture new relationship with health".
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